I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
