Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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