Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
