Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
