Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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