She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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