oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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