Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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