Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
