Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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