I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
