I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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