I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Your dad touched me again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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