I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
