i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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