After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
