god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
