My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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