The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
