TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
