I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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