Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
