he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
