It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
