You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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