In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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