If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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