i love accidental penises.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
