It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
