I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
