I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
PANTIES FOUND
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