How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
