the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
