Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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