i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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