You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
