Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
