wakey wakey hands off snakey
he thought i was a dude.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
