He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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