Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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