It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
