I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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