note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
