remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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