you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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