You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pants are for mortals
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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