There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
