I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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