I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
