I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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